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Importance
of the Funeral Service: Why everyone
deserves a Funeral
Newswise — Why do we need to hold funeral
services? To mark a loss? To recognize a
death? To remember a life? To start healing?
Doug Manning, international grief expert and
author, tackles these questions in his book
The Funeral: A Chance to Touch, a Chance to
Serve, a Chance to Heal.
Manning explains that “denial is always
easier than reality” in the funeral process.
If the service is generic and no tears are
shed, we deny someone has really died so
that the funeral itself is not hard at all.
However, “to determine if this is truly
easier on the family we must look beyond the
service itself.”
In The Funeral, he reinforces that denial
does not make it easier for the family to
walk through the grieving process.
Without a meaningful funeral service the
family will face more difficulty in the days
to follow.
Manning is convinced that “the funeral is a
vital tool in the process of grief. I think
the funeral, done right, is vital to the
healing of broken hearts.”
In fact, voices from around the country echo
Manning’s assertions about the important
role of the funeral service in the healing
process.
Ken Kuratko, Funeral Celebrant and owner of
Grief Journey Consultants in Riverside,
Illinois, says that the funeral has value
because it creates a moment in our busy
lives to pause and reflect on the meaning
that this person’s life has had for us.
“It has been said that every life has value
and every life makes a contribution to the
world. The funeral/memorial service is a
testament to that truth. Everyone deserves a
funeral because every life is valuable,
every life deserves recognition, every life
deserves that ‘pause’ in our busy day to
celebrate that this person lived and
contributed,” Kuratko explained.
Funeral Director and Celebrant Bill Joyner
of the Bright Funeral Home in Wake Forest,
North Carolina, believes in the value of
gathering together for a farewell.
"As a funeral director, I see how beneficial
a funeral service is to grieving families.
During and after a service I often see the
support they receive from family and
friends. Sometimes, I actually witness a
sense of sadness replaced with reassurance
and encouragement. Without this time of
reflection and remembrance, I think they
lose a real opportunity to begin the
grieving process,” Joyner said. “For me, it
is a real privilege to have the opportunity
to walk with family and friends in the midst
of their sadness. Being a funeral director
is a real calling of service to my
community."
Barb Milton, Vice President of Community
Relations and Funeral Celebrant of Flanner
and Buchanan Funeral Centers in
Indianapolis, Indiana, sees the value of
funeral service every day.
“A memorial or funeral service provides a
special time of honoring, reflection, and
healing. When personal stories are reflected
on and woven together they create a full
picture of a life lived,” Milton noted.
“Shakespeare reflected that we each play
several parts...child, husband, friend,
mentor, but as we are playing the part we
rarely stop to realize the harmony they have
created.”
In her personal experience, Milton has lost
friends. One of those friends had a healing
farewell and she experienced it first hand,
as people learned more about him in the
funeral service.
“My friend Jay was an avid dancer. He
performed at nursing homes and throughout
Indiana but his family never knew that side.
He loved Star Trek and went to all the
conventions but most of his dance friends
didn’t know that. He had an amazing voice
that his co-workers never knew. He loved
playing with his nieces and nephews who most
of his friends had never met but heard a lot
about. During his visitation there was an
open dance floor and a DJ playing his
favorite music. Behind the casket there were
videos of his dance performances playing.
Different groups were encouraged to bring in
their scrapbooks of events and everyone
enjoyed looking at them but particularly his
family. In his preplanning, he had asked for
special food to be served. We closed the
evening with ‘I Hope You’ll Dance.’ The next
day the service had special stories shared
by family. At the graveside, every woman
received a red rose from the casket spray.
He always gave ladies roses throughout his
life. The service closed with the sign from
Star Trek …‘Live long and prosper,’” Milton
remembered. “Everything about that service
reflected Jay. You heard Jay in the music.
You felt Jay on the dance floor. When eating
certain foods, you knew how much he had
enjoyed them. Jay’s whole life was
acknowledged. There were laughter and tears.
Lots of hugs and honesty. New appreciation
of talents. A new circle of relationships
emerged. Jay was there in so many ways and
his family realized they weren’t alone in
their grief...And that they had a lot to
learn about him, too.”
Milton believes in sharing each life story
to truly reflect that person’s journey.
“Dorothy had lived in the community out East
for 65 years and she died in her 80s. The
rules in their area were much more
traditional, so creating something unique
was more challenging. We sat as a group the
evening before the service and ran through
photos, selecting special memories along the
way. As we did, there were a number of
reoccurring photos that no one seemed to
know who they were. So I encouraged the
family to create a storyboard with just
those images. Reluctantly they did, because
their aunt had been a snippy old lady and
they were trying desperately to come up with
positive thoughts,” Milton explained. “The
visitation started very conventionally. Open
casket, chapel seating, organ music. But as
some of the older residents of the church
and area came in, the unknown images took on
a life of their own. The funeral director,
as he adjusted a newly delivered
arrangement, remarked on the picture of his
dad in the army uniform. Another lady
giggled that her mother hadn’t approved of
their (the aunt and the funeral director)
relationship because he was in the ‘funeral
industry’! Another friend looked on sadly
and said he was the reason her friend had
never married.”
Before the night was over, Milton said that
the family realized there was a powerful
love story that had been lost over the
years.
“Their aunt, a relatively unpleasant
spinster, had been suffering a broken heart
all those years,” Milton noted.
“The director had died a few years earlier
and now the assembled group remarked the
couple was united after death. The funeral
service the next day took a substantial
turn. About not wasting love and the
bitterness it brings to your future. How
love, in the end, will find a way to bring
people together. Dorothy has an entirely
different legacy with her family.”
Milton agrees that memories of a funeral
stay with us.
“We, as professionals, need to
stop...observe...listen...and share,” Milton
reminded because, “once someone has been
part of a service like this you can’t go
back to ‘Black.’”
Manning writes in his book The Funeral,
“more and more funeral directors are
providing funerals that are personalized and
reflect the personality and life style of
the deceased. When funerals are made into
meaningful experiences people will want to
have funerals. And when they do, they
experience the beginning of healing.”
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