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Working your way through... Here are some guidelines that you might consider as you deal with the impending death of a loved one. Accept the uniqueness of the dying process: There is an adage, "we bring to our dying the resources of our living." What this means is that we must respect individuals' right to complete their lives in ways that are meaningful to them. Avoid unrealistic expectations.
Give the gift of your presence: The dying often seem to be saying in actions, more than words, "don't abandon me!" This is especially difficult when there is no cure for the illness. Hence, take advantage of every opportunity to sit together, hold hands, hug, laugh, talk, listen--all gifts of that you can give only by being there. Share your feelings: This is a difficult one. Denial is not only a part of the grieving process, but it is also a part of facing up to the death of a loved one. Take the time to let the dying person know that you love them, that you are sorry, that you remember the good things and that you will miss them. Allow others to help: This is highly important. During the dying process of my wife, I relied upon friends and family to provide relief for me, allowing me to conduct somewhat of a more normal life than otherwise would have been possible. Take time for yourself: It's okay to not stay around the clock with your loved one. There is no measuring stick and no one is (or should be) keeping score. Go shopping, take a walk, ride a bike, get a haircut. And don't be afraid to cry, since the tears are therapeutic. Sort out unhealthy belief: This is not God's will. Pain and suffering are a part of an imperfect world, not some punishment from a Divine Being. Don't lose your faith because of the stupid words of others, e.g., "I know how you feel...""It's God's plan..." Make memories together: It is not only not too late, but the special urgency of the acknowledgement of the preciousness of time can make this a special time to build lasting memories. Before my wife, Linda, died, she requested a Christmas party with all of our old friends. Of course, she was bedridden, having lived nearly seven months longer than doctors had predicted. So, we brought in a beautician, bought her a new housecoat and prettied up the surroundings in her downstairs bedroom. The door was left open so she could see and hear all her friends who would then wander in and out of the bedroom to chat with her. Then, on New Year's Eve, I lifted her gently out of her bed and carried her to sit next to the fireplace, although I knew she was in pain, so she could look out the window at the wonderful Christmas lights. Three days later she was dead. Also, don't be afraid to be angry.
It isn't fair what is happening, but it is something over which you have
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